Wednesday, May 30

the deep secret we've been keeping.

There's no easy way to write this post. Instead, I'd much rather hide beneath a rock and pretend life didn't hate me so much. But instead I'm kicked when I'm down and life just strolls on.

This picture isn't a joke. This is our life. For the last almost-couple weeks we've hid a deep, dark secret. One where the normal Mrs. Wookie would joke that the secret involved a pregnancy stick and a bottle of tequila. But instead, this secret has made us sick to our stomachs, dry heaving, and crying for the first few days.

We've been forced to say 'goodbye' to our beloved Bulldog. We've been forced begin a life without the wag of a nubbin' tail. And we were forced to escape to a weekend in San Diego to try and forget about the sadness that faced our home back at NAS Just-North-of-Malibu. Thank goodness San Diego has a lot of distractions, and a lot of good bars.

Sweet Pea passed away just short of two weeks ago. And I've never been in more emotional pain. I've never felt like my heart had crumbled within my body, leaving a swollen mental state that I didn't get to hold her as she passed away.

I don't like that animals prefer to cross over alone. It's not fair. They think they don't want to cause their owners grief and sorrow - but I know that lies more in the pain that I feel now. I would have wanted to know her last breathe, to rub her belly, scratch her head, tell her how much I loved her, what she meant to us, and how we'll absolutely never forget her. But I didn't. We had to do it the 'natural' way - and that means she passed away without letting us know, thanking us for the hospitality we provided over the last year and a half, and that she was ever thankful for the treats, hugs, appropriate scolds, and plentiful room on the bed when Mr. Wookie was gone.

I've tried to write this post in my head a million times over, but it never gets any easier. There's no more beautiful way than to describe Sweet Pea's last day in a home that loved her. She passed away on her favorite rug, on the floor between where her owners loved to give her extensive belly rubs and let her lick the steak juice from their plates. It looked like she just went to sleep - and I still wanted to kiss her cute, smooshy face.

And now she's gone.

No more thoughts of 'How do we PCS with a dog?' No more car rides to run random errands. No more stuffing Kong treats. And no more strategically leaving the bedroom door  cracked so she's nose it open and join her mom and dad.

I never imagined that she was older than she was. We never imagined that she wasn't young and spry when not a grey hair was on her muzzle and her age never showed. And when Bulldogs don't show their age or wear 'n tear in life, it's hard to know their age when they've been rescued until their time comes. They're durable and hearty and she was that way until the very end. So that age guesstimate of 3 or 4 was clearly a little short.

She was my everything.

I've never cried so hard in my life. I've never wept to a dog asking, "Sweet Pea, wake up" and been so disheartened. I've never felt so helpless in my life as we tearfully gathered up the bin of treats, the food dishes, the bedding, the hair brush, and everything else that had fur stuck to it. I didn't want to say goodbye when we dropped 'her' off at the emergency vet care office, signing away the paperwork to have her cremated, knowing I couldn't just dispose of her like it's just carbon. I dry-heaved knowing that our life drastically changed...for the worse. My dear puppy angel....is truly an angel now.

But now I'm fearing and loathing life. Mr. Wookie leaves very shortly for a fair amount of the summer and I've left picking up the pieces of my broken heart for a dog passing before I was ready. I'm very bitter. All I want to do is take a picture of life and target practice. Because I feel like it is shitting on me right now. And I'm not happy.

This is the hardest thing we've ever had to do. So we apologize for the silence, but in all honesty, we deserve it.

This will be a multi-part theme, so please don't wonder if I don't answer your questions right away.

23 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry Mrs Wookie. That is so heartbreaking! ((hugs and thoughts to you))

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  2. Oh, Sweet Pea. I'm so sad for you guys. That dog was so well loved in the brief time she spent with you, and I'm sure she is so thankful you and Mr. Wookie welcomed her into your hearts. She will be deeply missed.

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  3. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know coming from a 'stranger' in Blogland (who just got back from a Blogger sabbatical) it can't mean much. When I first started our blog last year, we were experiencing the loss of our first pup, who (like you) was the only 'child' we'd ever known. Its absolutely gut-wrenching, and I'm so sorry that you're going through the pain of the loss. Our story was a little different, but a loss nonetheless. I think losing an animal is worst because they can't talk for themselves and no human can match up to their love and loyalty. Wishing you strength in the coming hours, days, and weeks.

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  4. I can't even imagine the pain you feel. We have 3 monsters and no kids..we love our dogs so much and when I read about someone elses' companion passing, it just breaks my heart. Sending you lots of hugs

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  5. Oh my gosh, I'm so so sorry. Hugs to you... I'll be thinking about you.

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  6. So sorry to hear the news. Stories of her antics always brought a smile to my face. Losing a pet is never easy, they take such a big place in our hearts. I'm so sorry for you and Mr. Wookie- sending bloggy hugs your way!

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  7. ((hugs))

    Losing a member of the family is never easy. It's been a year since my Chase went to the Rainbow Bridge. I still miss him a lot.

    The Rainbow Bridge poem always helps me, even though it brings tears to my eyes. http://www.petloss.com/rainbowbridge.htm

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  8. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your love for Sweet Pea shone through every post you made about her. If that love came through so clearly in your words, then I know Sweet Pea felt it a thousandfold in her life with you. You will be in my thoughts.

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss.
    You guys gave her an amazing life. Thinking of you.

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  10. Im so sorry for your loss. It was evident how much you loved her in all your posts and she was a beautiful dog. How blessed she was to have you guys for owners and to live out her last days in such a nice home. Sending lots of good thoughts and vibes your way!

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  11. I'm so very sorry. I know how hard this is, having gone through it myself.
    She was a doll and was so lucky to have had you. You gave her such a wonderful home and there is no doubt how much she was love and how much she loved you.
    What a lucky girl to have been adopted by such wonderful people.
    Find comfort in knowing what a amazing life you gave her. Know that you gave her everything you could and she adored you.
    I hope you find peace through your grief.

    I'm so, very, truly, sorry.

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  12. I'm so very sorry for your loss :(

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  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is like losing a family member. There is no easy way to get through it without being sad.

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  14. My heart is breaking for you guys. I am so sorry for your loss. Sweet Pea seemed like such a wonderful companion and you both gave each other so much love. Thinking of you and sending you a big virtual hug.

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  15. I am so incredibly sorry. :(

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  16. I am so sorry. The family dog I grew up with just passed away a couple weeks ago and that is the worst feeling. It isn't fair when pets have to go.

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  17. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mr. Wookie. It's amazing--and ultimately heart-breaking--how firmly animals can wedge themselves into our lives, and how integral they can be to our happiness.

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  18. So, so sorry to hear this. :( Hugs to you both.

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  19. Oh, I feel teary just reading this. But she was happy and comfortable for her last year which is great. We had an old dog (13) for about 2 years that we rescued. We had to decide to let him go since he couldn't really walk. Being there to watch it sucks, too. Anyway, I hope you are starting to feel better about it. Losing a pet sucks.

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  20. My heart just broke. I actually gasped out loud when I saw the picture. I am so sorry you had to go through with this so soon. Losing a dog is one of the cruelest things any of us ever has to go through. I am so sorry you had to experience this with Miss Sweet Pea so soon.

    Sending thoughts your way via the internet...

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  21. I am for real crying.. with pain for you guys. I can't believe this. :/ I am so sorry for your loss. Truly. I can't even imagine the pain you guys are experiencing. I will be thinking of you!!!

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