the deep secret we've been keeping.

There's no easy way to write this post. Instead, I'd much rather hide beneath a rock and pretend life didn't hate me so much. But instead I'm kicked when I'm down and life just strolls on.

This picture isn't a joke. This is our life. For the last almost-couple weeks we've hid a deep, dark secret. One where the normal Mrs. Wookie would joke that the secret involved a pregnancy stick and a bottle of tequila. But instead, this secret has made us sick to our stomachs, dry heaving, and crying for the first few days.

We've been forced to say 'goodbye' to our beloved Bulldog. We've been forced begin a life without the wag of a nubbin' tail. And we were forced to escape to a weekend in San Diego to try and forget about the sadness that faced our home back at NAS Just-North-of-Malibu. Thank goodness San Diego has a lot of distractions, and a lot of good bars.

Sweet Pea passed away just short of two weeks ago. And I've never been in more emotional pain. I've never felt like my heart had crumbled within my body, leaving a swollen mental state that I didn't get to hold her as she passed away.

I don't like that animals prefer to cross over alone. It's not fair. They think they don't want to cause their owners grief and sorrow - but I know that lies more in the pain that I feel now. I would have wanted to know her last breathe, to rub her belly, scratch her head, tell her how much I loved her, what she meant to us, and how we'll absolutely never forget her. But I didn't. We had to do it the 'natural' way - and that means she passed away without letting us know, thanking us for the hospitality we provided over the last year and a half, and that she was ever thankful for the treats, hugs, appropriate scolds, and plentiful room on the bed when Mr. Wookie was gone.

I've tried to write this post in my head a million times over, but it never gets any easier. There's no more beautiful way than to describe Sweet Pea's last day in a home that loved her. She passed away on her favorite rug, on the floor between where her owners loved to give her extensive belly rubs and let her lick the steak juice from their plates. It looked like she just went to sleep - and I still wanted to kiss her cute, smooshy face.

And now she's gone.

No more thoughts of 'How do we PCS with a dog?' No more car rides to run random errands. No more stuffing Kong treats. And no more strategically leaving the bedroom door  cracked so she's nose it open and join her mom and dad.

I never imagined that she was older than she was. We never imagined that she wasn't young and spry when not a grey hair was on her muzzle and her age never showed. And when Bulldogs don't show their age or wear 'n tear in life, it's hard to know their age when they've been rescued until their time comes. They're durable and hearty and she was that way until the very end. So that age guesstimate of 3 or 4 was clearly a little short.

She was my everything.

I've never cried so hard in my life. I've never wept to a dog asking, "Sweet Pea, wake up" and been so disheartened. I've never felt so helpless in my life as we tearfully gathered up the bin of treats, the food dishes, the bedding, the hair brush, and everything else that had fur stuck to it. I didn't want to say goodbye when we dropped 'her' off at the emergency vet care office, signing away the paperwork to have her cremated, knowing I couldn't just dispose of her like it's just carbon. I dry-heaved knowing that our life drastically changed...for the worse. My dear puppy angel....is truly an angel now.

But now I'm fearing and loathing life. Mr. Wookie leaves very shortly for a fair amount of the summer and I've left picking up the pieces of my broken heart for a dog passing before I was ready. I'm very bitter. All I want to do is take a picture of life and target practice. Because I feel like it is shitting on me right now. And I'm not happy.

This is the hardest thing we've ever had to do. So we apologize for the silence, but in all honesty, we deserve it.

This will be a multi-part theme, so please don't wonder if I don't answer your questions right away.