Me Talk Dirty: Shoe Porn

When's the last time I bought a pair of shoes?  I can't remember.  Ever since leaving the East Coast, and even a little before then, I've had this undying urge for "simple living" also known as the Voluntary Simplicity Movement.  It semi-stemmed from the first time I was out of work unvoluntarily in January of 2009.  By not buying, I wasn't spending, and by giving away, I was feeling good.  So full bank account, full soul.  Or at least, I tell myself the "full soul" part.  I'm like Ghandi.  Minus I'm taller, I eat, and I have red hair.

And then I gave up my job in order to head West, mixed with a side of "Do I really need to pack this West?"...and so now I continue to not shop because I have no need.  Nor the desire.  Which is weird,...it's kinda against the human nature to incessantly consume.  So now I just remix my clothes.  I feel like DJ Samantha Ronsom.  Except I have no desire to date a redhead.

Behold, the new fall "Oiled Leather Clog."

For the past couple weeks though, I've been trolling Zappos.com for a pair of winter shoes.  I have corporate shoes, I have flip flops, I have casual summer shoes, and I have running shoes.  I don't have a pair of winter shoes.  And being in Southern California, I don't mean bear hunting in Newfoundland.  I mean, oooo, my toes are cold.  Because "cold" here is 65 degrees.  And I have nothing to pair with a pair of thick lesbian socks to keep the feet warm.  And I have nothing to boast school colors (despite their pathetic win-loss record).  And I have nothing to leave by the door as a fashion statement because the Germans are good at cars, beer, people, and travel experiences.  Just not world domination (zing!).

So I keep coming back to this orange, zesty "go forwards" (because you can't go back, only forward.  This may or may not also be a motivational presentation in the making.).

Mommy McD, I know you love them.  Because you're pregnant and have cankles.  These shoes support cankles.  They're orange.  And they'd look chic with any nurses' ensemble.  Except naughty.  Because she's probably a real lesbian then if she's pairing Birkenstocks with Walmart lingerie..  And that's not your flavor.  Nor mine.  Except in haircuts.  Socks.  And the latest Pacific Northwest fashion.  And the fact that we can share a dressing room.  Just without the sexy business of motorboating.

So...they may add up on the Christmas list.  (Hint, mom.)  Or maybe I should stay, they'd only end up on the Christmas list.  Because forking over $130 in cold-hard cash is meant for a loving parent.  One who waits until Christmas Eve to wrap every present. ;)  I just need to find out what size I wear in the ol' Birk.

Advisory:  There are only 37 days until Christmas.  Don't panic.