Wednesday, February 2

heartburn: the nemesis to a good time

So, I'm on my second episode of heartburn.  It started last night.  It was evening, I got home from work on time, and I was lacing up the sneakers for a 2 mile run (per my training guide)...but the esophagus/sternum area was not happy.

The first time I experienced heartburn was Christmas this last year.  Someone got a little overambitious with the ham.  I may, or may, not have eaten more than my stomach could hold.  But it was delicious.  I had to have it.  But then, this uncomfortable feeling set in.  Oi, what's that?  OMG, is this heartburn?  This is what that shit feels like?  Oh, I sooo feel for those pregnant ladies who get it everyday.  This sucks.  I'm dying!  Mooooom, where are the Tums!?

But less than 6 hours later, a few Tums, I was good to go.  The Mario Kart competition continued.  It was no big deal.  I just laid low from ham for awhile.  Like I haven't touched it since.  Bloody pig...

This bout is different.  I had it last night.  It kept me company on my run.  Hi, My name is Heartburn, I like long walks on the beach, Burt Reynolds' chest hair, and watching lesbians fight over "Who's the man today?"  It was still there when I crawled into bed.  So I slept in the semi-reclined position.  It was there this morning.  So I laid off the coffe...*snore*, but I still don't feel awake.  And it was there when I walked into Target for some generic Tums.  Yes, generic was half the price of Tums.

And because I'm a doctor, I consulted WebMD last amidst my suffering.

Did you have any mint?
Yes, I had a cup of peppermint tea around Noon yesterday.  It was a Christmas gift from Mama Wook, and I was wanting some fresh breath.  Sue me...

Did you have any coffee?
Hahaha, this is a trick question, right?  Yes, I had coffee.  Does the Pope wear a giant hat?  What Oregonian or Washingtonian doesn't start their morning with Certified Organic, Rainforest Alliance, shade-grown coffee?

Did you have any dairy?
Erm, yes, half 'n half does go in my coffee.  Der...  Oh, and I had a string cheese at work.  Double der...

Did you have any chocolate?
Guilty.  I'm a girl.

Did you have any alcohol?
Do I have to answer this one?  Yes, I had a beer after my run.  It was Alaskan Amber, that makes it okay, right?  And no it didn't neutralize my training.  They say to eat protein and carbs post-run.  Nuts and beer.  That works!

Did you have any acidic foods?
Umm, well the calzone Mr. Wookie made was delicious.  But tomato sauce is acidic.  So yes.  Want me to barf it up?  Too bad!

I feel like I have the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden defeat of my upper stomach valve.  I've been uncomfortable all morning.  I don't know if you can overdose on antacid tablets, but I may try (that and my bones will grow spurs I'm inhaling so much calcium).  I even bought the over-the-counter generic Prilosec, incase the generic Tums can't do it.  Then if I'm really desperate, there's always apple wine vinegar.  I mean, I know I'm great at taking shots.  But I'd rather have tequila.  Or maybe that'll be a chaser.  Oooo, I think I'm on to something here.  Dr. Mrs. Wookie.  Sounds good; the title of my new career and the tequila.


  1. Ugh, ugh. Hope the nasty heartburn leaves you be right quick.

  2. Ughhh! I know all too well the horror of the heartburn! There's nothing quite like sitting up straight in the middle of the night (Don't Wake Daddy-style) because you think you might have to burp but it might be vomit. Yum. Tums has helped a little. Feel better soon!

  3. I had never had heartburn until about 6 mths ago when I was out on a run. It sucked. Gave me new empathy for Collin. I also found your writing for this particular post hilarious, a nice break from my homework thank you :)