Monday, February 14

paint my heart with red

He's my best friend.  My roommate.  My chef.  My personal space heater.

He makes me laugh.  He makes me cry.  And he's even made me snort.

He snores.  He grunts.  And he groans...when the gin has run dry.  Sorry baby, that's what you get for going out of town and you leave me with a movie marathon of Short Circuit, GooniesAway We Go, Smokey and the Bandit, and Forrest Gump.

He tackles projects that I drag ass on.

And he's pretty cute from the back side.
Sorry parents.

We don't do anything commercial on Valentine's Day.  I don't want a box of chocolates, a stuffed bear, or red roses.  That's just screams unoriginality.  How about you slaughter a cow, cook it medium, and serve it to me with a side of baked potato, roasted veggies, and a heaping glass of merlot?  Because nothing says love like the color in a medium steak.

We don't go out to eat.  We stay in.

We do swap cards.  And they're usually hilarious and inappropriate.

And I do hug and kiss him a thousand times over because that's what girlfriends do.  It's the wives that are cold, heartless bleeding sacks of bitch-tastic ecstasy that force testicles into blenders shaped like overpriced jewelry, 4-star restaurants, and Maltese dogs.  Now high five me because that was hilarious to write and we all know one woman who gives women a bad name.

We spend Valentine's as a day where we appreciate our relationship.  And we urge you to do the same.  In a time where everyone is trying to "one up" you...tell them to fart right off.  Love what you have.  Even if you're gay, love your partner even if the crotchety ol' politicians that say you can't have a real relationship - they're just upset that they're married to an ice-crotch themselves.

Your relationship only needs one label: Loving.

Or: Rich.  Because whoever said "money can't buy happiness," didn't meet this Ging.  Money can be clothes that fit tall people, personal yoga sessions, unlimited flights to Dulles, any Rock 'N Roll race entry fee, a personal chef, a personal masseuse, P.Diddy's alimony check, and a hit man for Heidi Montag.

I want to wish everyone a day of love, zero Herpes outbreaks, tofu dinners for those who don't eat flesh, and upstairs neighbors who don't weigh as much as water buffalo when they walk.


  1. I was laughing so hard reading this that I made the seal noise, hilarious! Yay for appreciating love for what it is, love! I heard on the radio this morning that Montag sunk 2 million dollars into her flailing music career. Seriously, give up the ghost.

  2. Aww, I'm a good wife. I never demand jewelry! Just shoes. And I never want testicles anywhere near them...

  3. Best post yet, hands down. My card to DH (we don't celebrate either) said "Even though you're the biggest pain in the ass, I love you." The inside read, "Can we have sex now?" I served up steak and potatoes tonight too!

  4. Are you guys still painting that kitchen? Or are those old photos? Every year I get OccDoc the same Valentine's Day present: a money clip. Um, so he can buy me presents on the other days of the year. Yeah, I'm that smart. Have a a happy VD-free V-Day!

  5. Your post reminded me of my mothers best love advice, which was to marry your first husband for money, your second husband for status, and your third for love.

  6. hahaha, testicles in a blender?? Your sense of humor is endless! I'm glad you got to bask in all that is the love of your life. Cheers to having someone to love!