The Inconveniences Of My Illness

As you may know, I'm the Queen of Mucus. The Queen of Sneezing. The Queen of Snotty Face. The Queen of OMG, Just Kill Me - No Need For 6 Feet Under Even.

But great story...

So I'm on my commute home, paying careful attention to both ladders and Gramps McGee (the usual suspects that delay my quick and painless drive home)....when all of a sudden, the worst happened.

*Cough* *Gag* *Loogie*

I just hawked up a loogie mid-commute. A chewy loogie. How do I know it's chewy? Well, because I was there. That's how. Plus I grew up with a big brother. He taught me lots. Not all of it educational. But Loogies 101 was definitely covered. That was my first year while waiting for the bus for Lone Pine Elementary. Thanks, Brother, by the way!

Anyways, back to the loogie...

I hawk up this loogie. With still 2+ miles in my commute. On the freeway. Yes, the same freeway that housed the freakin' ladder incident. So here I am driving. Still maintaining my +7 over the speed limit (Mama Ging, Sheriff, I'm with the flow of traffic, don't worry). And I'm holding this loogie in my mouth. It was awful. And you know how you start to salivate when you don't swallow. Well, this wad of disgusting nasal coagulations was growing in size. Awesome. So it started out as a chewy loogie and is now the size of a small dog.

When I finally make it off the freeway, in the Downtown area, I'm praying for a red light. And thankfully I get it. Open door. Let little phlegm friend go. So long.

Now the people behind me were probably thinking I drank too much at my office party and am pouring myself home. No. Not the case. Instead I'm fighting the winter illness and suffering when I have to house phlegm in my mouth because my timing is that superb.

I'm wondering how much more fun this weekend can hold for me.

I've already put lotion on my poor, red nose and cried because it burned so much. Why didn't I use my cloth handkerchiefs? I did. I have so much snot, I soaked through them. Quickly. Yes, I'm a snotty machine. Who wants to date me now?? Make a line!

And I've even attempted "nasal irrigation." As I found a blog post to further describe, "it's like douching your nose." Douche or not, I'm desperate. So up goes the stream of liquid, out comes my laughter. Really? People swear by this? Now I just feel like Snuffelufugus - I have a perma-leak of snot/saline draining out both sides of nose. I don't even think Urkel would find this attractive. But I'll try it again. It felt liberating for about 10 minutes, before my snotting supply revamped. It's non-stop. Now I know how Michelle Duggar's uterus feels. (Too much?)

Maybe I'll try another hot shower. I'm not optimistic. But it will give me a reason to put on my fleece pajama pants afterwards. I'll do almost anything for pajamas. Even killing a man. Just tell me he lost a ladder on I-264...he'll be a dead man.